The Return Page

La Chute

2009-09-17T03:43:00.000-07:00

I had a little bit of trouble finding a good idea, a good subject to write about on here. I am doing this. And I need to know what to offer for it. I hate it quite a bit when I don't feel inspired when I feel like I should be inspired.

And then it hit me (watch out for the pun, it's good):

I fall, we all fall. I do things that affect my life in a major way. You do it, we all do it. I have to handle stuff, so I can be content with my landing, and I am responsible for that myself. And I will never think "I didn't try my best", and that matters.

"Jusqu’ici tout va bien...", everything will be ok. The falling is not what's important, the landing is. No matter how hard we fall.

Mom And Dad

2009-09-13T03:50:00.000-07:00

My mom and dad never really had an easy life.

When they met my mom was 17 and my dad was 26. They always said that it was love at first sight, but I think that that's kinda bullshit. My dad was the kind of guy who would always date different chicks every week. My mom was the kind of woman who liked to be responsible, was a straight A student, but at the same time she liked to have fun and go crazy from time to time.

They met in a bar where my dad's friend was working as a waiter and he knew my mom. Classic scenario. Of course my dad was interested in some "fresh meat". The thing is that my mom kinda fell head over heels for him instantly. I guess it's understandable at that age, plus he was a cool cat anyway, and according to what she said and to the photographic evidence - he was pretty hot. They got serious pretty fast but the problem was their parents. None of them approved of their relationship, my mom's mother didn't approve because my dad wasn't rich and didn't go to college and my dad's mother didn't approve because she's just the type of person that doesn't approve of anything if it's not exactly the way she likes it.

They ignored their parents and moved in together in an empty apartment. Literally empty. They slept on the floor for months and would only have one fork and one spoon. My mom said that she was never scared, when I used to ask her how she felt because they were living in such harsh conditions, just so they could be together. She always says that nothing mattered as long as they were together. My mom's parents stopped providing for my mother as soon as they found out that she was disobedient and was living with my dad. My father was working but times were tough so they never had enough money for anything. I asked them if they were happy, at least a little bit, living in those conditions. Their answer was always "yes, we had each other". I always thought that that is such a cliche, that they were swimming in a river of denial, but looking at their relationship and at what they've been trough I guess maybe it's not such a cliche.

They have gone through tough times. Including their relationship. I remember one day, I was 12 or so and the phone was ringing like crazy and my dad would pick up just to hang up the next second, I realized something fishy was going on. So the next time it rang i picked up and a woman was asking for him, she sounded desperate, her voice sounded like she was crying. I told her to fuck off and never call again. When she asked for him she called him by the name my mom was using for him when they'd be cute with each other. I knew right then and there, it was the woman with whom he was cheating on my mom.

Mom and dad had long periods of time when they wouldn't speak with each other. They also used to fight really loud and hard sometimes. I once asked my mom why she doesn't just divorce him if she's unhappy. She said that she can't, she loves him. I never really understood it, until I saw they way they looked at each other at certain times. You could see it in their eyes - it was just what it was supposed to be. They were together, in a real way, in a intense way, in a i will always love you way. And I saw it. And I knew that my mom knows better, because she knows she has a choice.

They had their wedding anniversary on September 4th. 27 years together. And they still hold hands when they walk on the street, and sometimes they stop in the middle of it and kiss.

Blah, blah..

2009-09-10T03:26:00.000-07:00

My last two posts - besides being awesome, if you look closely at the pics, you can see I screen capped the pics and my mouse cursor is visible.

'Course it's been pointed out to me, and 'course I will say that I meant to do that.

:P

Nick's Stuff

2009-09-09T11:22:00.001-07:00

This man is so good at what he does. These are the lyrics for Get Ready For Love, handwritten, sketch by Nick Cave made for 2009 Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds Remastered Collectors Editions Box Set. So, since I don't believe in god and this song is about him, I have to clarify that to me it's also about faith, even if it's not the faith in god; it's the faith in love.

So yeah, Nick is a good dude.

Coffee And Cigarettes

2009-09-07T09:36:00.000-07:00

Yes, it is.

I love to drink too much coffee and smoke too many cigarettes. I leave them piled up in the ashtray. The thing is that that specific filthy behavior happens only when I have good conversations and am lost in the person with whom I drink coffee and smoke cigarettes. I usually clean up quite often after myself, and I also empty the ashtray.

Almost nothing can compare to smoking and drinking coffee and just being close to the one you love. It's completeness and utter intimacy to me. I don't do it with just anyone, because too much coffee and too many smokes means something special is going on in my world.

Types Of Love

2009-09-04T06:53:00.000-07:00

According to this astute definition, among other things, love also means "8: a score of zero (as in tennis)". I knew that but it made me giggle nonetheless. Well, maybe 'cause I am quite immature sometimes and I have a weird sense of humor, anyway...

I started thinking about kinds of love. I came up with a few.

1.Love at first sight - the kind where you see someone and your hormones decide that your brain is worthless and your capacity to control impulses is just a bitch that should not be paid any attention to. So basically you fall in desire, pretty much you just want to fuck your brains out with that person and you don't think about repercussions, not even for one second.

2.Love at second sight - this one is different in that you may already have seen the person before; they may be someone from the group of people you usually hang out with, a new addition to the group, in other cases. They may be someone who is a friend of a friend of your friend. This one is not as crazy passionate (read oh my god i just want to fuck your brains out through your anus) as love at first sight, but it could be. This kind of love can be a bit leveled and it can be based on a lot more things than love at first sight. You can fall in love with that person because you have a lot of shit in common, because you realize that the chemistry is blasting, because you realize that you like spending time with them, because they challenge you in the way you want, and so on. It also has more chances of survival than love at first sight.

3.Love at third sight - this type happens between people who prefer the classic dating and not fucking on the first date scenario. They go out, have nice dinners, after a few dates they go out to dance, after another date they kiss and after a couple more dates they decide to "make love". I have seen this scenario happening in the lives of people who fit the profile of the Stepford Wife and the Handsome Rich Charming Man. It does not have to happen exclusively to people who fit that profile though, it could very well happen between cool people who just like to take it slow. This type can stand chances for survival.

4.Love at fourth sight - this type usually happens between jaded, depressed people. Imagine you are in a sucky phase of your life and you meet someone from your past who happens to be in the same mood. Well, what's better than being jaded and depressed alone. I'm not saying it couldn't be passionate, 'cause I'm sure it could be. So you decide that it's better to be with someone, even if it's an ex or something along those lines, 'cause it's just better than being alone. This one, in my opinion has chances of survival but mostly because of the stubborness of the people involved in the relationship. Think: they would never accept failure twice with the same person, the same scenario - so they become stubborn and decide that it's better to mutually make their lives miserable.

5.Brett and Reea.

Loff

2009-09-02T09:48:00.000-07:00

Saw this cute thing on the Internets and I liked it.

I didn't post the pic 'cause I am lazy. And 'cause it's not so new anymore. Anyway, don't be lazy and click the link.

The Dungeon Bar

2009-08-30T04:10:00.001-07:00

We went out a lot when Brett was here. And of course beer was always a good friend. And whiskey and absinthe and I don't even remember what else. Anyway, on one of the nights we went out to the dungeon bar, which is a place in this neighborhood (i hope the church bells didn't cause you a headache), Brett decided to use the toilet a lot...

I figured he just drank one too many beers or something and didn't give too much thought to it. So he returned to the States and we started talking online again after he got home and one day I told him that I had a beer at the dungeon bar (that's what we call it, because it looks like a dungeon, it has another name, which is typical Romanian so it's hard to pronounce) earlier. He asked me if I had used the toilet there and of course I thought his question was kinda weird.

He was very secretive when I asked him why he asked me about that and so I had to go to the dungeon bar again in search for a clue to solving the big toilet mystery. I went and made sure I needed to go to the bathroom and when I did I saw this written somewhere on the wall:

what if Reea would love me?
I would see the world.

It is still there, on that wall.

Moon And Stars

2009-08-27T07:55:00.000-07:00

It's weird having to deal with the time difference sometimes. I am seven (yes, that is 7) hours ahead of Brett, so basically when it's his night time over in the States, here in Romania is my morning. When we first started talking and stuff it wasn't something I have given too much thought to because I didn't exactly realize that it will impact my life as greatly as it did/does.

I never had to deal with something like extreme time difference before. I guess I just took it for granted at first. After we realized that we have fallen for each other and that we want to do the nasty together as much as possible, all of a sudden the time difference has become important so we both had to work out times suitable to talk to each other and incorporate each other in each others lives.

I don't get to see stars very often because I live in the city and the pollution does that...I'm not going to get into a whole theory about why the stars are not as visible here in my city as they are in his town, over in the States; the point is I love stars and I would love to see them more often. So sometimes things like this happen:

pic by Brett

...and I can see his moon. I like that a lot, it makes me sleep better.

Surprise

2009-08-25T04:46:00.000-07:00

So when Brett came to see me in Romania we lived in this nice apartment. The only crazy thing about it were the sheets and this:

This thing was so random; it was sitting in the bedroom on a glass shelf beside crystal rocks and other such decorative items. The style was supposed to be minimalistic but this was just fucking random. Every morning I'd wake up and see this happy Kinder Surprise egg staring at me, grinning and supposedly being cute.

The sheets were killer. Literally. I don't know with what they were washed or treated or whatnot but they gave us a friggin' rash like no other. Imagine trying to do the nasty on rough sheets like that. Lovely, if you're into SM.

I will save the pics of crazy, kitschy paintings on the wall for another post but stay tuned - they are like the mother of Kitsch and they are quite unforgettable. Like that apartment...

Looking Glass Self

2009-08-23T04:05:00.000-07:00

I am majored in Sociology. When I was in college I was pretty busy with partying and being a typical, stupid college kid; there were always certain classes though and subjects that I enjoyed a lot. A friend of mine who's into sociology and psychology asked me an interesting question today: "Would you be the same person - your core being - if you lived in some other place? If not, which characteristics would remain and why?"

According to the concept of the Looking Glass Self, someone's self is formed based on society's perception of them, it grows based on the interaction that one has with the people in his world. There is this other major dude in sociology, his name is Herbert Blumer and he created this concept called Symbolic Interactionism. Blumer goes along the same lines as Cooley, the dude that invented the looking glass self concept, and thinks that, in a society, people act on things that they themselves give meaning to and these meanings are influenced by social interaction with others, and logically, "modified through interpretation".

These concepts are interesting because we can apply them to our daily stuffs, our lives. Everyone can; so I started thinking about how I could mash the theoretical concepts with my real life and my relationships, and, as my friend put it - my core being. It's a well known fact that on the Internets everything seems to be dramatized and exaggerated and inflated. In an online community the concepts that I've mentioned earlier can be applied with ease, because even though it is a virtual society it still works on the same grounds as a normal society that happens in the "real world".

So, I am part of this virtual society, where I met the guy I want to make out with and stuff, he is part of this society also. And here we can ask the question - well, if you two would have met in the real world and interacted with each other on a normal level, say, in a bar or something, would it have been the same? Based on physical appearance and charm alone I would say yes. But this is the thing about online communities and communicating with someone online - it just gives you this feeling of ease and empowerment and balls because even though you realize that they are as human as you, have a body, have bones and feelings and a brain, they're still not real. The concept of looking glass self comes into action when you start to develop some sort of feelings for the people in the virtual world, so it applies there too.

In our case I think it did happen quite hard in the beginning, which is normal, because one feels like they need to impress the one they like, and that is OK because we all do it, being aware of it or not. If Brett and I would have talked only on chat, without getting to see each other or hear each other, our relationship would have been based on the two concepts i've mentioned to a higher degree - we would have tried to be acceptable to each other based on what society thinks is pleasant and awesome. But seeing as we communicated as "normal" as possible - web cams, mics, letters - the concepts don't apply as much - it was just too personal.

Getting back to my friend's question - hmmmm....if I lived in another place I really can't imagine any other place other than the States, because it's where he lives for now. Would I be different? Maybe, in a sense. I would be different because I would have to be more adaptable. America is very different from Romania, in a lot of ways, I would have to learn a lot of things and I would have to be ready for a lot of things. Would that change my core being? No, it would absolutely not change my core being. You see, if I move there and if Brett moves here it would be a little bit hard for the concept of looking glass self to be applied; we would be living in a new society, new cultural ideologies and just new lives. So the premise that society affects your self would be a bit difficult. We wouldn't really know a lot of people, we would have to get accustomed to things and we would be too focused on our relationship to bother to think and pay attention to what society thinks. Hell, we always had to not bother with what society thinks and not let it affect us because society isn't really supportive when it comes to inter-continental relationships. So yes, I think my core being would be intact.

I hope I didn't bore you with the socio-psychological drivel too much...

Music

2009-08-22T04:02:00.000-07:00

Music is always saying so many things, besides the actual sound. So in this post I'm going to add some songs that mean certain things to me and I guess to us. And you should be happy I didn't add any Rammstein.

First song is Ima Robot - Lovers In Captivity. It's one of the first songs we shared and such, also, the fucking title kinda says it all.

Second song is Morrissey - You Have Killed Me. Morrissey is just simply awesome and this song is just really good.

Third song is Nine Inch Nails - Closer because it's just so damn hot. It became one of my favorite songs because I have a filthy mind and I like to dance to it when I go to my favorite bar.

Fourth song is Nick Cave - Into My Arms because, well, Nick is just amazing and he makes wonderful poetry on music.

Fifth song is The Dead Weather - Treat Me Like Your Mother, not so much for the lyrics, it's more the attitude and the sound. Cause we're badass like that. :P

Sixth song is Doves - Kingdom Of Rust. I can't say too much about this one. It just means a lot of things to me.

Seventh song is The Smiths - Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want. It's kinda self explanatory. And beautiful.

2009-08-19T21:57:00.000-07:00

I love this girl w/ all my heart. I don't know how I ended up w/ her, but.. I did. ..stupid life and its challenges..

Intertwined

2009-08-18T12:01:00.000-07:00

One of my most favorite things to do with the one I love is to sleep or just lay in bed with them; I believe that this little activity is one of everyone's favorite things to do with their love. It's the purest expression of intimacy in my opinion. It also requires trust and warmth and openness, at least that is how I perceive it. Oh, yeah, have I told you about my phobia yet? I hate to be touched by mistake by strangers, or rubbed against them in crowded buses.

The best moments are when the legs get all tangled up together. Intertwined. When he slips one of his legs between mine, kind of like making sure I am still there or kind of like unconsciously trying to keep me there. Or when I curl up into him. The legs still tangled up. It's literally like there's nothing left around, the world disappears and it's just two. and sometimes after I fall asleep I wake up for just one second, and half asleep I search with my legs for his legs, and after I find them and touch them with my legs I feel like I could really rest, I mean peaceful, like there's no worry in the whole world. It's safe. And warm. And mine.

I miss tangled up legs very much.

~

Also, today I was reminded how much I love seahorses. Twice. The first reminder came from a friend from Stumble and the second came from Brett, he said he will get me one. And you know by now that he likes to and does get me such things...

The Adventure

2009-08-17T10:03:00.000-07:00

I found this today on the Internets and at first I was kind of biased, but I figured it out...

I don't think this applies to someone only if they're depressed, lost, desperate. I think it applies to strong people. To people who know that despite life being a big asshole it is still worth living. To people who think that in the end they will get something that will make them feel like they've found what they were looking for. To people who are not afraid of storms or of deserts where you feel like every day is like the other and nothing ever changes and you feel like you dry up inside.

It applies to people who know that at the end of their journey another adventure starts which surpasses everything else.

Roses

2009-08-15T06:40:00.000-07:00

I have always liked roses a lot. I guess everyone does, they are beautiful flowers and they are suited for almost every occasion. Maybe also because except cacti and carnivorous plants I am not really a big flower or plants person. My favorite roses are (surprise!) the blood red ones. Whenever I smell them or touch them or see them I get surrounded by their sensuality. OK, you get the point - I fucking love roses.

As it turns out, Brett had the opportunity to offer me roses before he came to visit in Romania. It was special to me because roses are always special to me and because it wasn't just a rose. In fact, the rose he "offered me" the first time is currently here on my desk. "How?" you might ask...well. He decided one day, a long time ago, to be spontaneous and sweet so he showed me this beautiful rose on the web cam. Of course I love it and at the same time was kinda sad because I couldn't touch it or smell it...but I guess we had to work with what we had.

pic by Brett

Then he said "I will give you this rose in person." I found it romantic and sweet but didn't really believe him, I thought I was being realistic and I was skeptical. It turns out he kept that rose, the rose dried up but kept its beautiful shape. It became my present when he came to see me: "I told you you will get it..." he said when he gave it to me. And so I did. And I am looking at it now. The other roses that he gave me were beautiful also, but this one is just special because I have been dreaming about touching it ever since I saw it that first time in his hands.

So far...

2009-08-13T09:12:00.000-07:00

Update time again:

At this rate we might just make the dream possible. You're quite generous and I am genuinely surprised about the fact that in this shitty time and age people still care about love. You're all rockers (which means that you rock, but since I am Romanian I am totally allowed to create new terms in English)!

Yes

2009-08-12T09:27:00.001-07:00

I saw this on the Internets today and I completely agree with it:

Gamble everything for love,
if you are a true human being. ~ Rumi

Perspective

2009-08-11T09:31:00.000-07:00

I think it's time to let you know about some of the real life plans and facts. We want to do this but you might wonder "how?", which is normal, considering the fact that he is American and I am Romanian. And as awesome as we are, we are still mere human beings.

The thing is that during all this time we really have thought about it. We will absolutely live together in Romania or wherever we will be and we will try not to kill each other. Nah, we're good together, but we're both very stubborn so sometimes that makes us clash. The making up is always fabulous though. So, anyway, as I was saying, we are planning to live together. The job part - well, since he returned to the States, Brett already had two job offers coming from Romanian people. The shitty part was that they were paid to Romanian standards (which are significantly low compared to the American ones when it comes to wages and paychecks) and he needed to make money to live there and to save for coming back, so it kind of was out of the question to spend time working for a Romanian wage while still living in the States. This is why we decided to make this blog. With your help, and with what he's going to make extra it's impossible not to work.

It was crazy because one day I decided to get him started on a Romanian job hunting site. It was purely curiosity, spontaneity and me being stubborn again. And lo and behold the very same day he got a pretty nice job offer, and those people were fucking ready to hire him, he just simply did not have the money to get his ticket and just come...they made it clear that it would be kind of illegal, not to mention kinda nuts to pay him a Romanian salary while he was still living in America. The second chance was with my ex boss. He was ready to offer him a job too, but made it clear that he cannot possibly pay him more than he would pay a Romanian person just because he lives there.

So it's pretty ironic. And quite shitty, if you think about it. He is struggling with work there and he is being offered nice jobs here but he just doesn't have the means to come here right now. Oh, I forgot to mention that they didn't even have a problem with him not speaking the language. Which is another thing, I would love to teach him Romanian. It is kind of hard doing it online though. It is always just easier if you are surrounded by it and you get to hear it all the time. He knows the important things though, he knows how to say "hi" and ask for a beer, so he would be just fine :)

I am not worried about him coming here and maybe at first not having work. Once he is here and we're settled down I'm pretty sure we can handle everything. And I really do not think that I am being unrealistic, precisely because we are so damn stubborn and we have overcome a lot of hard stuff since we met. To me it's like this: we are a team. It's kind of hard to see our relationship through that perspective right now because we are so far away from one another, but once we will be close to each other it will turn into that - a team. And trust me, my team always wins.

Frogs

2009-08-09T05:37:00.000-07:00

Talking to someone using a mic and a web cam can make one forget sometimes that everything is happening online, and you can't actually touch them or slap them across the face when you get into a rage, or jump them to have makeup sex. It's kind of tough, but you just learn to work with what you've got. It gets to the point sometimes where you forget that the one you are communicating with or fighting with is a million miles away. At least that is how it is in our case...

A few months ago, before Brett came to see me in Romania, we had a huge fight. We were screaming at each other and being total assholes. In situations like these you have to find some sort of replacement for the making up. You can't exactly crawl through the wires that provide your Internet connection and get down to business face to face, even though I have never before wished so much for teleportation to be true. So people become inventive and thoughtful. People think more about the other one when they can't exactly do the normal, handy things that they would do if they were in a "normal" relationship. People sort of put more effort into things.

He knows I like frogs. So, after the fight I was pouting and being bitchy, of course. And he just left me there pouting. The moment I realized that I became infuriated: "that asshole! leaving me here like this, he doesn't even give a shit! unfuckingbelievable!". After a while he comes back. I thought he went outside for a smoke and I was right. But he brought something back.

pic by Brett

He stood in front of the cam, his hands cupping something. When he opened his hands it was a tiny, tiny frog. I fucking love frogs. He must have found it outside in the backyard while pacing about and thought it would cheer me up. Good decision. That little frog made me forget all about the fight, it made everything better and it made me remember that it's all in the heart. If you experience a intense relationship with someone, things like the proximity or physical stuff go to second place. It's all in the heart in the end. And up to the frogs :)

absinthe..

2009-08-07T21:56:00.000-07:00

..it apparently isn't my real good buddy like cheap vodka and irish whiskey is..

..we went out one night and Reea wasn't real pleased w/ me.. ..so. I stood at the bar w/ her girlfriend's boyfriend and we proceeded to hammer down shots of absinthe and jack daniels.. ..I'm sure is the JACK that gave me the spins like it did because I *hate* *jack* *daniels*.. ..almost as much as rum..

..but I was fucking sick and spinning and drunk as fuck in Eastern Europe..

..and another thing that didn't agree w/ me was "pickle salad".. ..yelch!

..it's like a big pile of sweet pickled cabbage and cucumbers and peppers I think.. I took one bite and that was all I could do.. ..that was the only thing I didn't like while I was there.. ..even tho Reea ate a whole lotta fried cheese. :P I did eat a bunch of good food there tho.. ..it's the kind of stuff hang overs are made for: awesome.

The first nite I had tripe soupe. ..I liked it.. ..don't look too close at it tho.. ..there are bits of cartilage floating in it, but it was like a liquid form of scrapple I eat here. IE: awesome.

Reea's mom made us some sarmale.. ..there is something about me where I go from eating one form to another and it just doesn't sit so well.. ..I don't know if it's fat content or what, but, they were tasty, but my tummy didn't feel so good the whole time and Reea thought it was her.. ..and it sucked she didn't understand what it's like to travel like that. I think if I had a few weeks or so to level out, then everything would have been fine, but to me, someone who has never been off the ground, it was kinda dramatic.. I was a little woosy and headrushy the whole time.

..and don't even get me started on beers over there... I was expecting to get blown away by Becks because I thought it was going to be mind poppingly fresh, but.. ..it tasted just like it does here..

..the only thing I found really different was the fact that people are so *close* together than here.. ..we don't regularly touch or bump into people we don't know unless we're looking for a fight here.. ..of course.. I'm not from a city, so maybe it isn't so much different, but in the Square around X-mas time they set up a bazaar -- I'm not used to being bumped into and crushed like that. ..that was different to me..

..but the spiced wine was good. ;) ..I could have sat in a nice quiet spot and sipped that all night..

..the first time..

2009-08-07T21:41:00.000-07:00

..so I flew over to meet Reea..

..it was really different in Romania.. ..the luggage belts weren't working, but it seems as tho everyone else expected that.. ..but I was taken off guard a little as they crowd surged around the man carrying baggage on a hand cart..

..however.. I saw her thru the doors. ..she was pacing about.. ..apparently she was calling her friend to tell her I had decided not to come because my flight was a few minutes late..

..but I saw her. ..she was quite beautiful in that airport light..

..and I remember the first time I touched her.. ..I was so friggin' ready to smoke and made her go outside. ;) ..but the first thing I touched was her butt because I like a little junk in the trunk..

...and it drizzled on me as we touched lips for the first time..

..I really wanted the Red Orchestra to play behind us, but it didn't happen.

..and then we were in the car going to the apartment.. ..and she kept asking what I thought and I kept saying "..it's not that much different from home.."

..it was a strange meeting.. I thought I was going to be in such a strange place and land. But. Maybe it's because I'm from America where there is such a blending of everything, but it wasn't that much different other than I couldn't speak a fucking lick of the language..

..I just remember how she smelled. ..it was warm. Like summer. Like summer in the green grass pastures I know.

..I wasn't scared or put off.. ..but it was different. Maybe it was jet lag. Maybe it was something subconscious, but it was different. I loved it.. the adventure. ..the foreignness.. ..it was magical.

..the way the back of her head felt under her hair..

..the way she touched me..

..the passion..

..I've never been touched like so.

======

..the one thing I didn't like was how she pestered me if I was happy.. ..I am the type that is happy anywhere; I make my own happiness.. ..but I didn't have to do that there.. ..she was there.. ..that's all I wanted. All I wanted was her.

Choices vs. Loneliness

2009-08-04T08:19:00.000-07:00

Looking back at the posts here I realized that some of them, especially to people who see us for the first time and all that, might seem...unrealistic, to say the least. Because of that reason I started to do some thinking. I started to think about the people I know, in my real life and in my virtual life, the ones that have shared personal info with me, the ones that I know.

One of the most common things for all of them was the fact that they were satisfied easily. No, I am not trying to come off as pretentious or smug or whatnot when I say that; I just mean the quality of their relationships. Most of these people I know are in a serious relationship or have been in a serious relationship. Most of them are unhappy or unsatisfied for a reason or another. Yes, of course, perfection does not exist nor will it ever exist, but I started to wonder, is it really that scary to be alone? is it really that difficult for people to just not be in a relationship?

The people in my life that are in serious relationships don't live it, they don't feel it, they don't breathe it like they should. Most of them admitted to me at one point or another that they keep going with it because of the reasons mentioned before - fear of being alone, not being able to be independent and lots of other reasons that i can't even fathom.

I started thinking that it would be so easy to just get involved with someone, get my share of snuggling, get my share of sex, get my share of lovey dovey stuff, get my share of companionship, get my share of fun together with that person - no - i just can't do it like that. For me love has always meant serious business, regardless of the fact that it is 5000 miles away or just down the road. It has always meant something more than just basic needs. Love is special and it should always be that way.

That is just how my life worked at the time I met Brett. I could have stopped it and I could have tried to be realistic and just focus on having a real life, "normal" relationship; it would not have worked. Precisely because of the fact that I don't like to do things half way. People make me so sad when they're not brave to face their fears and to do things for themselves, regardless of what other people feel or think about it. It saddens me that a lot of my real life friends are in relationships just because they don't want to be alone, just because they can't handle things by themselves. Just because it is easier to be with someone.

Actually, I am alone all the time. He is not here with me right now. He is alone all the time, I am not there with him. But the way we make each other feel is worth being together and alone at the same time. As fucked up as it might sound. This whole thing has reminded me of how strong I really am, it taught me that the mind and words have such a great power and can turn the world around and upside down, it showed me that all the small things in life make for a huge, beautiful one when they are all put together. I can honestly say that I have lived this relationship more intense and profound than all my other ones that have happened in my real life, in the "normal" way.

So I don't know, I like to think that my choices are mine and I like to be happy with my choices. Being alone is not that terrible when you know that that one soul who gets you and loves you and makes you feel what you need to feel is out there somewhere and they want you and need you as much as you want and need them. I like to know that my love is special just like it should be; and that lets me sleep well at night, even though alone.

Things I have noticed

2009-07-31T09:37:00.000-07:00

The first thing I did after kissing him in the airport when he came to see me was to touch his belly and notice it. I fucking love little beer bellies. I also felt like we have been apart for just a few days, which was weird, because we have been apart since forever, before he came to visit. Well, web cams don't count.

The second thing I noticed after he came was the fact that I am falling. Hard. All over again, because he was real, not just in my computer, but in front of me, touching me. It's a crazy feeling, especially for someone who didn't exactly feel that way before, or at least, not that intense.

The third thing I noticed after the two weeks were up was the fact that he is love.

So far...

2009-07-29T10:14:00.000-07:00

You crazy kids have helped us this much:

I just want to say that that is awesome and very cool. We'll be adding the barometer again when a significant amount is reached.

Cliché?

2009-07-25T03:28:00.000-07:00

You know what pisses me off the most in this world? Money. The second thing that makes me wanna break shit is hypocrisy. Everyone these days seems to have this "cool" attitude going, this attitude saying "ah, well, we live in this fucked up world and love is the last thing that should concern us, there is so much shit going on in this world, so fuck love, I'm tough and I don't give a fuck about naive and cliché stuff like love; I'm busy being angry and pissed off at the world; I can't be bothered with something as trite as love." The ironic thing is that the world can be saved with love. And when I say that I don't mean just a relationship between two individuals. I mean the whole world. I mean relationships between communities, relationships between business partners, relationships between countries, relationships of any sorts. Of course, I am not that naive as to think that it is easy; but what I do know with certainty is the fact that when love is in the back of your mind it is always simpler, and it is always better, and easier.

Why is it that nowadays love has been turned into a cliché? According to Wikipedia, a cliché "is a saying, expression, idea, or element of an artistic work which has been overused to the point of losing its original meaning or effect, rendering it a stereotype, especially when at some earlier time it was considered meaningful or novel. The term is frequently used in modern culture for an action or idea which is expected or predictable, based on a prior event. It is likely to be used pejoratively. A cliché may sometimes be used in a work of fiction for comedic effect."

Really? Seriously? "comedic effect", "is likely to be used pejoratively"? What the fuck is that? I find it sad that love has been turned into that - there is nothing pejorative in the meaning of love, it is not a stereotype, it is always novel because everyone is unique, and it certainly always is meaningful. So how can it be a cliché to so many people? I find it unbearable to think that people turn into robots every day and decide that they are better off without love and that since it is a cliché it is so passé. They work and work and work their asses off for things and for self gratification and forget to work for love. Yes, of course, you need to sometimes work for love too; but what you get in return for the amount of work you put in it is priceless. There is nothing without it, there will never come a time when one can truly dispense themselves of love.

Romanians, when congratulating someone for their birthday, for example, besides saying the common "happy birthday to you!" they also say "be loved" or "be very loved". I prefer to swim and drown in this big, fat cliché. At least I will have the knowledge of it and I would have experienced it and my life would not have been for nothing. Love is an applicable definition in everything; there should never be boundaries to it, especially not materialistic shit like money, or hypocrisy or even worse, embarrassment.

2009-07-24T08:27:00.000-07:00

The Hangover

2009-07-23T03:39:00.000-07:00

One of the things I am afraid of are my orientation skills. I suck really hard at finding places and realizing where the fuck I find myself sometimes. So if i would go to a foreign country I'd probably be desperate if I would not have someone to guide me and such. After I go to a certain location more than say, 4 times, sure, I have no problem finding my way around. But I can never just do it myself from the start - I always need someone to show me where things and places are and guide me.

When Brett came here we went out one night, I think it was the beginning of the second week. We got pretty drunk and so we went home and went to bed and the next morning I had the most horrible hang over I have ever experienced in my life...I couldn't even get my head off the pillow. Literally. So I just slept like a log.

When I woke up I smelled good breakfast and saw roses on Brett's pillow, next to mine. I thought I'm still drunk because I knew that we didn't get any groceries the day before, he couldn't really order anything in since he can't speak Romanian...but I could just smell this awesome freshly cooked breakfast. So I ventured into the kitchen, all dizzy and with a terrible headache, and there he was, ready with this complete and delicious breakfast. He even had orange juice, which always cures my hang over instantly. I thought I'm not seeing right.

So I asked him where he got the groceries from and where the roses came from. Yeah, remember - super hangover. He said he went groceries shopping and he got me roses on the way back. Just like that; like it was the most normal thing in the world to be in a foreign country and not speak a lick of the language and just go get food and flowers. I was fucking amazed. I know that it might not seem like much, but to me it was truly extraordinary. Imagine being in China and not speaking Chinese and doing all that. It's incredible. I even made sure that they didn't cash him more money than what it was worth, at the store; I asked about the roses and he told me the price and how he paid and everything and I was just amazed at how easy it was for him to do all that.

What he did that morning was the most beautiful thing someone has ever done for me. I could not have done it that easily, in a foreign country, with weird, new money, language that I don't speak and basically everything different and new.

God, I miss being hung over with him.

Artsy Sarcasm

2009-07-21T03:21:00.000-07:00

I like an artist a lot. Thomas Doyle is the guy's name, but as much as I like him, he sometimes makes me feel like he's the king of sarcasm and I'd just like to bitch slap him. Why? Well...because:

...and because:

Other than that, he's pretty good.

The Tattoo

2009-07-19T02:53:00.000-07:00

I found this picture the other day:

and I couldn't help but think about this:

Brett had this tattoo done as a gift from me when he was here, in November. We had fun getting stressed about what kind of tattoo he could get. We didn't really have an idea, and as talented as we both are at drawing and such, we didn't come up with anything. And then it hit him: he will get a swallow with a rose in its beak.

In old times, sailors used to tattoo swallows on their bodies, after they have completed a long journey at sea. The sailor's swallows usually had ribbons in their beaks with the names of their loved ones, sometimes with the "original" and classic "mom" inked on it. The rose - well, I love roses and I smell like them too, most of the time. So that's how he came up with the idea of his new tattoo.

Swallows, to me, mean freedom.

so...

2009-07-17T21:37:00.000-07:00

Here we are. I am going to write something witty and lovey here soon. I just need to come up w/ something witty and lovey again. I will. Because I love this girl. I don't know how it happened really. I don't know why life must be so torturous to me and make the love of my life live 5000 miles (no. I still don't know the metric system) away.

What is this shit?

2009-07-17T10:28:00.000-07:00

So it's time to lay it on you.

After Brett and I met and realized how things stand, we kind of decided that we want to try a lot more of it; none of us is the typical optimist who just looks on the bright side, in fact we're both quite gloomy and pessimistic in general. But we said "fuck it" because what we have is just intense and it has to work. So my handsome guy went back to his country and I was left here in mine. I do have a job and I do have an income and I do like to think that I am quite independent to some extent, he used to have a job too before the whole financial crisis arose.

After he got back he started looking. And looking and applying, and applying and looking and looking some more. And nothing happened. And shit started to get very, very frustrating. Imagine having a craving for chocolate or whatever other flavor of ice cream at 1 a.m., and craving it so much that it drives you insane and not being able to have it. Or imagine having such a huge itch that you feel the need to scratch it in all your pores but you're paralyzed from the neck down. Yep, that is kinda how the situation stood. We wanted to do stuff, to have stuff happen to us, to experience stuff, basically to live stuff together and we just could not - because of the money.

A few months went by like that. Then, inevitably, depression kicked in. People, when depressed, they just give up and they just exist, they don't really live. I'm not going to bore you with that kind of thing, i suppose all of you went through something similar at one point or another.

Basically everything was stagnating. When people like to experience things and have a taste for adventure, and like to enjoy certain things in life, not being able to do it and simply stagnating is draining. Simply fucked up to the highest degree. The shittiest part was that it all depended on external factors like having a job, living in an area where you could have more chances to find a job, having a DUI and not being able to drive, in one word - on money.

So all of you who like to read our stuff and who like to feel like they contributed to one's happiness, click that Donate button at the bottom of the page and we'll do the happy dance.

Electrical Junction Boxes

2009-07-07T01:33:00.000-07:00

Brett is an electrician. That is what he knows how to do best, so obviously he is passionate about stuff that has to do with it. This is something he wrote relating to the picture below. This picture is taken somewhere in Romania where the fuckers who built it were in a hurry and kind of messed everything up...

Before X-mas I got to visit Romania to meet someone very special. I didn't get to see anything this crazy, but things are different.

Mostly just minor things, but like when I'd look at electrical junction boxes: way over the limit to the American NEC. Or when we went to bars and there was only one way in and out: American bars would need multiple egresses and would have to be tall enough that I wouldn't have to duck to get through a doorway.

Besides things like marked emergency exits, no non-smoking sections, and the fact that I can't speak a lick of Romanian (..hell. ..even here in the States I'm sometimes in the minority using English as my native language), things were almost like me visiting a strange city here in the States. She was amazed that I didn't find it all that different. They even had those damn stupid traffic circles like the assholes in Jersey have. Other than the language and the "closeness" of strangers at times, its not so different. Maybe outside of the city things are a little different, but I didn't get to see that.

The Visit

2009-07-06T00:43:00.000-07:00

Mr. Beardy Man (did I mention that Brett has an awesome beard?) wrote this after he came back from Romania:

I've never traveled before. The first flight over the pond was w/ Air France. I have no idea where they find these women. My dad said to avoid the french whores on the plane because they have diseases hence the way they speak and why they spit from their throats like cobras...but I found them to be nice. I just smiled and nodded a lot...that was also tricky when a french man entered the bathroom while I was trying to make number one, but he got the point when I kicked him in the balls.

The flight wasn't bad. ..well. I lied. I've only flown once before and that was to Minnesota. ..that's like a 2 hr flight. ..I had 8 hours of a roller coaster flight. ..apparently the fucking Icelanders or whatever fucking country I was flying over decided to take away their air space-density, and I had to wear my seat belt the whole first 8 hours and the flight whores::cough::attendants had to wear brakes on their heels so they didn't fall down while walking the street::cough::aisle.

..the flight over was ok. I went to France. I taxied around for about 2 hours. I don't think the French really know how to park and have to have such a big airport because they're scared of parallel parking. Then they hustled me throgh security a couple times...apparently my boots need to be scanned a few times...they're leather and big and scary. I wanted to hit someone in the face w/ them after having to unlace them every 4 minutes and lacing them back up.

..so I flew Air France. ..they really weren't that bad. I liked the way I got a little shower whenever they talked to me. I was kinda crushed in that flight. Those seats really account for the fucking French because apparently I'm bigger than the french or the french who sit in front of Americans like me like to have a back rub w/ my knees for 8 hours. But. Whatever...the guy next to me was kinda cool...didn't speak a lick of English, but we communicated. I offered him a spoon and he cooked it up right.

..so I landed in France. I expected like berets all over...but I was surprised that it was just people just like in America that I wanted to shank...I was so far unimpressed w/ Europe. Then they made me walk and walk and walk and walk...and it was raining...and then we got on a bus, because I was going to Romania and not somewhere cool, like some rich islands, I guess that doesn't rank high enough to have a fucking covered entry way onto a plane...or maybe the french just like their shitty weather. I dunno. I wasn't there long enough.

..the next flight was w/ Tarom...they were ok. I had a really fey "attendant" reach across my lap to show me how to hook my belt and chastise me for using my Zune during take off...he had pretty lips. The flight after that was w/ the same company. ..it wasn't so good. I had a really bad jet lag hangover and fell asleep and the bitch attendant who walked the aisle bumped me too many times...and then asked me what I wanted to drink and I said "a beer" she crinkled her nose up like she had no idea what I said and gave me a Coke.

..then I got to Bucharest.

..I walked outside all proud like "hey. I'm walking across the world." ..and there were people asking for money and guys asking "taxi?"

"no no no. uh. fuck off."

..and I thought: "fuck. did i just fly 15 hours?" ..I really could have just gone into Philly.

I really wanted to see something cool while flying, but I was feeling like shit. Maybe it was because I saw the sun rise twice that "day"...it was pretty cool watching the sun rise and flying into it above the clouds...I could see the rising sun and then look towards the rear of the view and see stars and darkness.

..I don't do jetlag well.

I then flew into Timi. ..it was like a local airport here. ..it was amazing how "un-different" things were.

I'm standing there at the luggage pickup and the belt isn't moving...next thing I know there is a guy wheeling baggage in and everyone jumping on shit...so I jumped in, elbows moving like "i've been in a city before. i know how it works." And out of the corner of my eye, through the door, I see the love of my life...she was looking awesome, but I had to get to these bags...she didn't know I saw her. I loved her like never before just catching her in the corner of my eye...you should have seen how she moved...it was so awesome. I've never felt anyone welcome me so or so excited to see me...just the way she twitched. I think I saw her bounce.

I've always wanted someone to be that excited to see me.

I wade in and grab my bag...I go to walk out...I am presented w/ 2 doors, one labeled "UE" and one "Non UE".

"..well. shit." I think. "European union would be EU," I think...and the "non UE" door isn't lit and everyone is walking through the other one...so I follow the crowd. Well. fuck me...a guy stands up in front of me and starts speaking ...something..

"..English?" I say.

"English?"

"no.. I'm American."

..and I'm thinking "well. here we go. my first experience." ..he has no badge. no uniform. nothing. I'm thinking "here we go." .. hackles raise. fist balls up. fight or flight comes into mind.

and then a buddy joins in.

..and then they ask "how much money you have?" ..and I get ready for a fight. I'm thinking "headbutt to the face. a kick in his balls and then a dash."...then they ask for a passport. Well...shit. I'm so nervous I'm looking and looking and I can't find it. They then ask again where I'm from and I say "American".

"American? oh. never mind. go ahead."

and then I walk through the doors and see the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on in my life.

I love the girl w/ my whole heart and I think sometimes that might have blurred my observations.

A sort of introduction

2009-07-05T05:17:00.000-07:00

This is weird, since I never really had a blog, and especially not one that I will be sharing with the whole Internet.

Calling Brett my boyfriend is also weird considering that fact that in a year and a few months since we know each other we have only been together in person for two weeks. O.K., you can stop the "ohhing" and "wowing" now, I know, I know...

The one thing that I know for sure, and as far as I know he knows it too, is the fact that we want to turn those two weeks into unlimited time. That is our biggest dream right now, we need that so we can start thinking of new, crazy, awesome dreams that we can have together. After all, untested assumptions can be a bitch and they surely build up frustration in ones life.

This is the part where we have problems. But we will come to that part later. Right now allow me to introduce ourselves.

I have never really given a damn about the Internet or the people from the Internet; I have always used it strictly for information value and for entertainment, sometimes I would chat with people who don't live close anymore, but that was about it. Then one day, I discovered StumbleUpon. It was unlike everything I have ever seen, it would allow me to discover things that interested me and to meet interesting, new people from all over the world just by clicking a button.

At first I wasn't very active with my reviews (that's the "secret" of StumbleUpon, reviewing stuff and having an opinion and voicing it, that is what makes people on there interesting, as far as I'm concerned at least) but then, after some time I started voicing my opinion on things. I'm a feisty, little fucker so I was pretty straight forward and blunt in my writing and reviewing. It was a lot of fun and I never ever imagined I would meet someone as special as my boyfriend in a place like that. Seriously, even now, it sometimes still feels weird to call him that.

My life was O.K. I had a job that allowed me to stumble while being at work, I had real life friends with whom I had fun, I had a family who was always there for me and I had a cute dog whom I loved to pieces, but something was missing, and even though I have been trying to not pay attention to that and just focus on the good things I already had, I felt it. This is where my awesome boyfriend comes into play - I was simply doing what I have always been doing on Stumble one day at work, when all of a sudden I stumble upon this guy's page...he looked interesting to me the first second I saw his profile picture. Also, the first thought that came to mind after seeing his picture was: "this guy is trouble", as if I already knew that he would mean something to me.

Things didn't happen very fast, we were checking out each others' pages and looking for things that made us special compared to the other 7 million plus people using this service...and it seemed like yes, we saw those things that got us interested. I suppose it happened like it usually does on the Internet. People meet, check each other out, like what they see, start talking and then...there either is a connection or there isn't. Up to this point our story is the same as all the Internet love stories, but it gets better, trust me.

After we started chatting on a regular basis it was easy, it just came so natural and we woke up in love. It might sound crazy and silly for people who never experienced this kind of relationship or phenomenon, and it might also sound very cliche, but it isn't. It was a certain kind of intensity that I have never felt before with guys i dated in real life. At first I thought it was the distance that made it special and intense, and to some extent it was, then I waited and thought "oh, I'm sure that it will fade with time, he's not going to put up with this, after all, he could have any other chick, and I could have any other guy", it was not the case.

Not only did we start having a relationship online but we also had a committed one. Yep. No fucking around, no dating other people, no nothing like that. We were together. I think we could be labeled as "old fashioned" or really "fucked up in the head" for making those choices. But they were the choices with which we were comfortable and in which we believe. You can look at it this way - the whole thing was already complicated because it turned into a long distance, very, very long distance relationship, we didn't need any more complications on top of that.

I still remember in great detail the first time I saw him on a Web Cam. It happened after a couple of months of talking every day. I was so nervous I thought I would pee my pants. Luckily I haven't, don't get all excited yet. I was trying so hard to seem cool and awesome but I was shaking, I was that excited. Many times, and he knows that because I have told him, I felt like I was falling in love with him all over again. There was always something special about it, I don't know if it was just for the fact that we could not touch each other and get lost in that sort of emotions and we had to just talk and communicate in different ways (later, after we met in person I came to learn that I can fall in love with him over and over again in person too, so I don't think it was just because of the impossibility of physical touch).

We had rough times too, for example when I would feel the need to call him up but I had to think about the time difference, I am 7 hours ahead of him; so basically when I was waking up to go to work in the morning, he was going to bed. When I was done work and almost finished with my day his just started. I had to think about the price of a phone call to the United States because it was so damn expensive. I remember that I used to be anxious about going to work in the morning because I knew he would be around.

One thing that stayed with me was that moment when he told me that he will come see me "sometime in fall.." and I could not believe that we are about to take such a tremendous, and after all, dangerous step. We would finally see each other and take the relationship to a whole new level, or better said, complete it in some way. That closure was tremendously important. I was giving my heart and myself to this guy and I have never even touched him, or smelled him, or held him, or felt him. The same thing for him; but he was just so determined and he wanted it. And that made me see what I needed to see.

And so the story begins...